So we’re selling the flat. Or trying to. “It’s a buyers market”, so I’m told – with a patronising description of what that actually means. “It means there are more buyers than sellers!” No S*** Sherlock.
This means that I have rather unwillingly been thrust into the dirty world of estate agents. Suffice to say that after nearly three weeks of dealing with 12 year olds acting like they do the most important job in the world whilst wearing a) the most ill-fitting shiny suits in the world – boys b) the shortest Primark skirts whilst pretending they’re Prada in the world – girls, I’m sick to the back teeth with the whole thing.
I’m not saying they’re not very bright, but no one ever became an estate agent because they got too many A levels. So far I’ve caught them out lying, cheating, double-crossing and screwing each other over. And it’s only week 3. I don’t know why I’m surprised when they have such a bad reputation, but I really have been astounded at how they have, without exception, confirmed all the negative stereotypes that make them one of the most hated professions out there.
Here’s my list of my favourite blatant estate agent speak so far where, whilst seething, I’ve had to conceal a wry laugh at how ridiculous they sound:
“We have a phrase in this office, ‘buyers are liars’” SO you don’t respect anyone you’re selling to?
“Let me just say, from a father to a mother, I understand” ARGH – please patronise me some more. Hurl
“It’s so cosy” - AKA – TINY, can’t swing a cat.
“I’ve got a really lovely property” AKA I’ve been trying to flog this dead horse for months
“It’s a bit of a doer upper” AKA someone died here after living in this pit for the last 40 years
“It’s a lovely property on Gunnersbury Avenue” AKA – It’s on the north circular
“It’s not under offer” AKA it is under offer, but we’re trying to screw them over and get another one so we get a higher commission
“You could get £500K on Chiswick W4 yourself, that’s why you need an estate agent to get you more.” AKA I’m gonna say anything to get your property on our books.
Incidentally for any agents reading this, I’m not trying to be picky but I do not want any properties:
on the A4, M4 or north circular or any other major arterial roads
backing onto sewage works, train lines, electricity stations
overshadowed by a brick wall
next to a derelict decaying property with or without dodgy tenants living in slum-like conditions
riddled with damp in every room and/or crumbling before ones eyes
in a war zone